hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
