That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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