It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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