Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
