My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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