cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
