last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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