i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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