life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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