How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
