I like to think it a success when the cops are called
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
