I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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