More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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