you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
