I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
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got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She told me I should be a condom model.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
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I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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