I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Randomize
