I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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