Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
