I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
