Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Randomize
