nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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