you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
My brain says no but my pants say off.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
