The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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