I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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