Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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