so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
