So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Never joke about your clitoris.
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