Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
