so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
