bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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