she woke up with a sticky ear
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
