An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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