remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
