my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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