Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
