I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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