Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
