Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
