i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
