I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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