is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
