I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
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We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
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We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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