I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
