Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
