Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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