I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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