were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
