Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
