I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
