I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
