hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Randomize
