Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
