My room smells like vodka and shame
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
