We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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