Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
