there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
