On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
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I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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