dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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