Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I need a burrito and a hug.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
