I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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