Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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