dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
